The Adult Child struggles with her ignorance

Being an educated adult, people expect you to be knowledgeable on most things. Things like; politics things, current events, how to tell time, math, how to haggle, how to tell if a watermelon is ripe on the inside, you know, really serious adult stuff. I am very inept at those things listed unfortunately. Most times, to my dismay my ineptitude and ignorance show but on some rare occasions, I get away with it.

Firstly, you have to understand that it is not in my nature to not know things or not want to know. Most people who have met me would even argue that I know too much sef. These things in question ehn, these things...these things are different. My attention span when it comes to these things turns into the attention span of a cat. Let's take politics for example. Politics is great!!! It is always on TV, in the newspapers and the topic of discussion for smarties and adults. I try to keep up, I promise, I do. Infact as soon as I see a headline about a corrupt politician appearing in court over forgery charges or a headline about the naira devaluation, I check it out, read a few lines then distract myself with something like this article on buzzfeed

I DON'T EVEN HAVE A DOG!!!

Maybe if there was a Nigerian satirical politics/news show like "The Daily Show" or "The Colbert Report" or my new favourite "Last Week Tonight with John Oliver", maybe I would be more interested. Those shows are definitely NOT boring. See for yourself

Now, regarding math, if I weren't African, I would say that I have Arithmophobia, which is the fear of mathematics or numbers. However, being African, we are not allowed to have psychological issues. If you cannot learn it, it is because you are lazy or a blockhead.

Here are some ways you could hide your ignorance/ineptitude, as practised by yours truly:


1.) When someone brings up some news about politics or current events that you should know about, e.g Nigerian banks being able to float the naira without the intervention of the Central bank. Act like you are extremely impressed that this person knows such things. If there are specific amounts of money mentioned, be sure to repeat them, eyes widened, them;"Primary dealers can handle volumes of $5 million between themselves as the standard order size and can trade up to $1 million with any other dealer", you;"FIVE MILLION DOLLARS" This would cloak the fact that you are imagining naira bills floating in a tub of water when you hear the phrase "float the naira" and you have no idea what they are talking about.


2.) Interrupt them by bringing up Jenifa's Diary. Everybody loves Jenifa's Diary

Bigz geh

3.) If someone asks you to do a quick sum, even though every phone comes with a calculator now, *this one works every time*...use a calculator.


4.) Turn it into an opportunity to talk about the word of God " Brother, this is why we all need to cling to Jesus. He is the only answer"


5.) This phrase: "Did you know that the capital of Madagascar is Antananarivo and it's president is Hery Rajaonarimampianina" What are the chances that they'd know that? Nobody pays attention to Madagascar! You may not know anything about what they are referring to, but at least you know who the President of Madagascar is.

It's this guy!!!!

*Disclaimer* These tips would probably never work for you.

Thursdays are for throwbacks

Today's throwback features, Nigerian horror movies.

"Go to bed Aghogho!", my Mum would say to me as they were about to watch a scary home video ( we called them home videos then) but I wouldn't listen. I wasn't stubborn o(okay, maybe just a little). The problem was that I knew already that they were preparing to watch a scary film and even if I hadn't seen that particular one yet, I had seen enough for my imagination to run wild. I could not be alone. I would then decide to stay downstairs with the adults and add some more scary visuals to my memory bank. Fast forward to later at night, "Mummy, I want to go and wee wee". Now I'd need an escort to go with me to the bathroom before my shadow turns into a bat and whiffs me away.

starring these people and that cat

A quote from a Hollywood scary film " I do wish we could chat longer, but I'm having an old friend for dinner" - Hannibal Lecter, Silence of the Lambs. A quote from a Nollywood scary film "Ekukuleku kuleku kuleku "*witches cackle*" - Witches, Witches lol!

Your typical Nollywood witch

The OG of scary Nigerian movies. This one haunted my dreams. My sister thought it was funny to sing the song or yell "ayamatanga" whenever I was in the toilet. Is it a surprise that I have to have all the lights on in the bathroom now?  

AYAAAAAAAAAAMATANGAAA

Ello Sir! Ello Ma! You gave me nightmares please

This movie taught us not to join bad gangs. RMD made it not so  bad to watch though *love sigh*

Then there was this movie "After School Hours"(no photo available), which I think was Nollywood's take on "Matilda"(Channelstv showed this one all the time). If the girl in that movie was in Harry Potter, she would be an Animagus (she turned into a cat to do her "winching") but here, she was just a small "winch".

Let me just drop this one right here

*chills*

Before Falz made the cool song about her, she was terrorizing my dreams along with her sister "Nneka the pretty serpent"

Shoulder pad Queen

Pestilence and Igodo nko?

 

Well, I am definitely sleeping with the lights on tonight. 

Do you remember any scary Nigerian movies that haunted your dreams and will haunt mine? Leave a comment and tell me about them.

Nollywood's favourite ritualist says tell your friends to read this blog or else!

Feem Review Time!!! (Xmen Apocalypse)

*********************SPOILERS EXIST BELOW THIS LINE*************************

On Saturdays, while normal adults go out and socialize, I stay in my bedroom and watch stuff on my laptop. I have convos with the characters and insult those ones who go where they have no business going. I like to say I am watching "feem". Feem can be movies, tv shows, Youtube videos. I would like to share some of my opinions on the feems I watch.

Today, we will be reviewing X-men Apocalypse

I felt that this addition to the X-men franchise was a little too underwhelming for my taste.  Do not see this movie after you have seen Captain America: Civil War. You will be disappointed. It pales in comparison. I got so bored watching that I decided to amuse myself by listening for hints of Sophie Turner's (Sansa Stark) English accent. 

There's the issue of this very un-terrifying villain. The only time Apocalypse gave me any chills was during the decapitation scene.  I felt that the new superheroes were just full of "meh"...Night crawler especially. There was a highlight in Quicksilver's rescue scene though. Wolverine makes a cameo again where he shows us his chest (there can't be an X-men movie without a shirtless Wolverine)

Now there are some inconsistencies in the movie that really need some explaining:

We had a glimpse of Ororo Munroe's (Storm) origin story as we see her as a pick pocket on the streets of Cairo. However, in the movie, Apocalypse enhances her powers which makes her hair turn white and she becomes "Storm". In the origin story I know, she was born with white hair because she was a descendant of African witches or priestesses who had white hair, blue eyes and special powers.

She grows up to be Halle Berry y'know?

Then there's the thing with Angel. This installment of the movie is supposed to be another look at the Xmen's past and origin stories. For Angel,we are shown that Apocalypse enhances his power by giving him metal wings

However, in Xmen: Last Stand which happens to be the future because Professor X is an old man now

and not this beautiful specimen of a man


 Angel has regular white feathered wings.

How did he go from metal wings in his past to feathered wings in the future. Did Marvel forget that they had used him already? Please one fan boy should come and explain this part to me o.

Quicksilver is Magneto's pikin in this movie but the Quicksilver we saw in the last movie was an orphaned twin. How many friggin' Quicksilvers are there??

This Quicksilver(left) grew up to be this Quicksilver(right)??

In this movie, Magneto is hurting because his family was accidentally killed by some asshole Russian soldiers and so he joins Apocalypse's band gang because he is broken. Quicksilver tells the X-men that he is Magneto's son and nobody thinks to tell Magneto this!!! Like "Oga o...abeg make you no kill everybody. You still get one pikin remain for here". I don't understand these people.

Isn't Nightcrawler supposed to be Mystique's son in the origin story? She got with Azazel

Red guy with a tail

and made a blue baby

Tryna act like we ain't know that's your kid

Overall, it's still a tolerable movie. Good guys get the bad guys. Some bad guys are converted to good guys. Plenty action scenes but flat characters and an inconsistent storyline.

Rating: 1 gala and a bottle of water

Thursdays are for throwbacks

Ladies, let's go back to Sunday evenings at the hair braider's.

You came with your Ilarun(cutting comb). There was usually an argument about ownership where these things were concerned.

Which one of these did you use?


This? :

or this?

or

how about this?

Remember when this hairstyle became outdated and it was only cool to have your shuku really low.

Shuku Ologede

If you had natural hair or really short hair, you did "Didi"


Old didi - after a while this became the old didi style. Seeing it make a comeback though.

New didi - this was the new didi fad. For the cool ones

The hairstyles had such awesome names. Remember "Heavenly King"? and "Shut up( reverse 2 step)"? Nigerian word for "fringe" or "bangs" is "base" or "front".


Which one of these was your favourite?

7 confusing Nigerian things that need to be explained to The Adult Child

This stuff keeps me up at night. Not as much as finding a solution to world hunger or world peace but still a great deal.


1.) Saying "clocked"

When someone marks a birthday, why do we say he/she "clocked" a certain age? Are we making reference to Time and Attendance systems? Who started this thing please? I am very interested in learning what was going through his/her head.

2.) Doubling words 

Why do we say our words twice? I mean Nigerian words o e.g "mago mago", "kpoto kpoto", "yama yama". This phenomenon has crossed over into English words that we localize e.g "follow follow", "double double" "corner corner" "cunny cunny"...etc.

3.) The original lyrics to the "Mr. Macaroni" rhyme

I cannot accept "see see me ah bum bum" any longer. What are the real lyrics? So Mr. Macaroni just rode his bicycle to this babe's house and she was just laying marriage requirements anyhow? So what did "bum bum" have to do with it? Did she want to see his before saying yes? (this I can understand) or was she insisting that he needed to assess hers? How is this a children's song?

4.) Showers with a bucket and a bowl

Why do we say we are taking a shower when we have a bathtub, a bucket and a bowl (bailer lol!)? Who started the bowl and bucket system? Was it the missionaries?


5.) Saying "Come and go"

This is the most confusing one o. I feel like this when I hear it.

There is also "come and be going". That is equally as confusing.

6.) Saying "Chuk/Chook"

Used in a sentence: "Stop using that pin to chuk/chook your pimple." I am very interested in the etymology of this word. I need to have a discussion with the Uncle or Aunty who started this trend.


7.) Saying "Match" 

"Match" as in "Use your leg and match the ant very well! Match it!" Why "Match"? If anything, I would understand "March" better and pick it over "Match" as better matched word for the action. You march with your feet at least.


I NEED ANSWERS!!!

The Adult Child and romance

I loooooooooove boys! I love them so much that if I bound my guava sized boobies and shaved my hair, I could pass for one. Infact, I used to want to be one. Girl's talked too much and bored me. Boys played. I like to play. I think now that I would have been better off sticking with the girls and listening to their gist. Apparently, they were learning how to bag boyfriends and I was there playing "Police and Thief" with their future baes. They also discussed how to get paw paw and watermelon sized boobies in those meetings.

I struggle with adult dating. I am not romantic. Romance and PDA make me roll my eyes.

The only person I want to cuddle me is Jesus Christ! Cuddle me with money Lord! One day, I made a list of the sort of guy I would like to date because...adults make lists. Take a look:

My needs are simple:

1. I want someone I can discuss song lyrics with...like Madonna's "like a virgin touched for the very first time..." sooo..."sore"?
2. Someone who understands the beauty of butter. Someone who doesn't call Blue band margarine "butter"
3. Someone who can explain rap to me and the offside rule in football. Why is it wrong that Drake is so emotional? 
4. Someone who can argue with me about who has the better lines in the BBT crew.
5. Someone who makes me want to brush up on my reading, speaking, thinking...without making me feel stupid
6. Someone who doesn't make me feel awkward or robot like when I display my robot like lack of affection. I struggle heavily with PDA. I'm working on it.
7. Someone who gets my humour and references  or if slow to, appreciates them as genius
8. Someone who will let me see when I'm wrong,  genuinely and patiently.  No "blame games", "no projecting"
9. Someone who will love my silliness and playfulness. Who will make non-cheesy videos with me.
10. Someone who is not looking for a traditional Nigerian woman. I'm anything but traditional
11. Someone with a clear ambition. Not a band wagon jumper. If you are going to be a musician at least be a talented one.
12. Someone who does not think I'm uncaring when I don't ask "have you eaten?"
13. Someone who likes lazy days but is not a lazy person
14. Someone who can be sexual, a little pervy but not scary. Someone who never thinks rape is funny or okay in any way.
15. Someone who understands that I will leave him for Channing Tatum/Timberlake
16. Someone with good table manners who can be fancy but likes "laid back" like me. If you can't be fancy, that's fine just... chew with your mouth closed at least
17. Someone who isn't selfish or egoistic. 
18. Now...you may buy me stuff.  I do not demand it but if you choose to,  it's fine.  Same applies to me.
19. Someone who will remember my birthday. If you can remember your birthday,  you can bloody hell remember mine.
20. Someone who is always willing to make up. Know that if you tell me to get lost/not speak to you again...I will.
21. Someone who is not mean, spiteful and disrespectful...no racists, tribalists, misogynists or puppy killers
22. Someone who isn't insensitive. Who will listen to me and I mean LISTEN to me. I've been told that this is near impossible for guys to do but if you try, I am more than willing to help you. 
23. Someone who isn't dirty.  You can be messy but not dirty.

Who will be this Adult Child's playmate and boo thang for life?

The Adult Child's Struggle with Lagos Traffic

I commute to work via public transportation. Keke to be precise. I am not allowed to stick my head out and shout "weeeeeeeee" as we are driving  no matter how badly I want to so I settle for just sticking a hand out when nobody's looking and when there are no Okadas whizzing by to come and collect that hand. Keke rides are fun. The bumpier the ride, the "funner"! Nobody offers to lap me in a Keke like they used to when I took the bus (danfo). They might squish me in the middle but that's just because I am little. They are protecting me so that I do not fall off the open side.

Driving in Lagos is very scary for this Adult Child. I got pulled over by a Road Safety Official once because I had taken my seatbelt off for a few seconds. You see, I had driven myself unto a very narrow street and I was trying to do a U turn. I took off my seat belt so that I could prop myself up on my seat and see properly for the Adult Child is short. Getting frustrated, nearing tears and sweating profusely as I tried to turn my car in the opposite direction, I discovered an exit. I drove out sharply! ALAS, I drove straight into the arms of this red cap wearing Uncle.

Uncle said "Park this way!". I did. Uncle asked me for the particulars of the car. I am told those are kept in the pigeonhole, you know...your car closet. He said they were expired. I said "No way!!! That happens???" Then Uncle asked me for my driver's license. "Hummm! Haaaam! Wawu!" I exclaimed. "I think it is at home. In our other car Sir!". "You see Sir, this is not my car. My Daddy sent me to buy something down there please, He now said that I should use this his office car because it is having fuel. You know there is fuel crisis now so the other car is not having fuel". "My house is just down there" I pointed. Uncle did not look. "So I just drove this car to quickly come and buy the something". Uncle then asked me why I wasn't wearing my seatbelt. I responded " Thank you very much for that question Sir. You see that street in our back, over there. That street is a very tight spot please. So I now found myself stuck in that place. I now had to remove my seatbelt to see very well, to be able to manoeuvre myself out of that place. As I just drove out, I now jammed you. You can even see that this line on my chest is wet, because I was sweating and it is the belt that now designed this line." Uncle said that I would need to come to his office to explain all this and collect a fine.  My voice became very deep and shaky. I said "Excuse me Sir, please just help me and understand what I am telling you. It is not as if I wanted to drive without my seatbelt please. It is just that unfortunate place at our back here that caused me to remove it." Uncle had me explain for 20 minutes and then looked upon my child-like face and teary eyes and said he had to talk to his boss about me and my numerous offences. I watched him walk up to his boss, then they both walked to the car. The boss asked me what the issue was and I started "Excuse me Sir, you see that street in our back over there?..." "TAKE HER TO THE OFFICE!" One tear fell. "No please, Let me explain!". "Sir! Sir! Uncle! Please I am talking to you and you are not even looking at me". I sat down in the car with my hands on my head, contemplating driving off with speed but then there was slow moving traffic..stupid Lagos traffic! I started talking to myself like I do when I am upset "And I did not even want to come to this stupid place! Is it not Daddy that said I should go and buy this something! Now these people have arrested me here now and  I only have 10 naira in my pocket.." I noticed Uncle started walking up to my car, he looked at me, smiled and waved me away, I have not driven by that road since. I wonder if he is still there. I should drive by one of these days and say hi..with my seatbelt clicked in of course.

Get to know the Adult Child

Yesterday while getting myself something to eat from the nearby eatery...you know, the one that sells amazing party jollof rice and calls itself "A place". Well, I was walking to my car and I overheard a security guard refer to me as a woman. He said "this woman wan drive commot o". Brethren, I teared up. No man/woman born of a woman has ever referred to me as a woman before!!! I wanted to yell "Damn straight! I'm a woman!!! I pay taxes you know?".

You may wonder why this is a big deal, "why is this one making noise about being a woman?" but what you do not know is that I am a 25 year old female stuck in the body of a prepubescent teen. I have been shoved into adulthood because of my age but my mind is nowhere near ready. Between me and you/you and me (English! *sigh*), I am desperately faking it at adulting. I don't know why I cannot just renounce my adultship and head back to primary school, where all I would be concerned about would be deciding between using my yellow crayon or orange crayon to colour my drawing of the Sun( the Sun looks orange-y to me sometimes).

If you need proof of my inability to successfully adult, check these out:

• I constantly suppress my urge to skip or twirl
• I can turn anything...and I mean anything into a toy
• I act out dramas in front of my mirror
• I will dance to music, regardless of where I am and what music is playing or if there is music playing
• I congratulate myself whenever I finish eating my vegetables and reward myself because...I have been a good girl
• I pout when I am in a bad mood
• I loooooooove to nap
• My original reaction when I am told to do something by a figure of authority in my life, is to yell NO!, stomp on their feet and run away. I have to remind myself that this is frowned upon in Adultopia
• Picture books over text only 
• I love animated films
• I cry when I am frustrated
• I put the bedsheet over my head and pretend I am a ghost or tie it around my neck and pretend I am a superhero. This goes on for a while before I finally successfully lay the bed
• I am forever making faces, it's like my face cannot stay still
• I make patterns on the street/road when I walk
• I still look away when kissing scenes come up in movies/tv shows because...gross

How is this person able to hold down a job you ask? No?..you didn't ask you say? Well! I will tell you anyways!!!!!   I HAVE NO FRIGGIN' IDEA. All I know is that it is a daily struggle keeping up this act.

Soooooo! Join me on this journey through adultitude and learn how I weave, dodge, jump and pass growing up. Fake it till you make it yo!